This is a letter I wrote to mum and dad when I was 45ish. A long overdue thank you.


May 2005

To Mum and Dad

God knows I am not a seafaring sort of person, or religious by the way. I woke at 5 o’clock, this morning for some reason, having dreamt a dream that was so strong I wanted to get it down in case I would ever forget it.

It occurred to me that my life has been a boat trip, tacky maybe even trite but bear with me.

This boat trip, my life, has been calm and stormy, it has been painful and exhilarating but do you know what, more than anything, it has been very noisy!

It is my nature to set the engines full on, the noise is terrible, but in youth this terrible noise is so compelling, I was going so fast, the wind and spray full in the face. I suppose that my boat has been a speed boat, and this is not said in a conceited way. I think that this is what youth is.

Anyway, back to the dream, I realized in a very rare moment of clarity that I was on this boat; I also realized that, at the grand old age of forty five (roughly), I could switch off the engines, just for a while. Conserve a bit of fuel, maybe slow down enough to see what I was racing through. Long enough perhaps for me to write this down before I throw the engines back up to full noisy throttle.

Anyway the engines were off, I found it a little scary. I reached out and Laney Lou was there so I was not alone. But in the quiet I heard a little noise, like a paddling noise in the water lapping beside the boat. I turned around to see what was making the noise. It occurred to me that I had never done this before, but I did this time.

“Shit what are you doing here?” it was Mum and Dad
”We have been here all along” they said
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“We did several times, but that is OK, we want to be here and we are happy to be here. We are on all of your little boats, just because we want to be. We set the boats off you see and we will always be paddling with you. As long as we can”
“Thanks” I said
“No problem” they said

“No really I want to thank you, for all the years of paddling. I really want you to know that I appreciate your efforts, your love and your support. I want you to know that all those years, when I thought I was driving my own speed boat, I know now, that you were there too and I appreciate it, and I love you”

I woke and realized that I am on some boats too now, although I didn’t know it. I suppose I will be paddling for Josh and Molly too, and maybe just maybe, one day, they will turn around and notice. It is OK if they don’t, because that is the nature of loving isn’t it.

Then I thought that as time goes on how will I manage when you stop paddling, well the thing is a boat doesn’t just sink does it, it floats. My boat won’t stop when you stop paddling, but it will be a bit emptier and a bit quieter and I will miss you terribly.

“Thank you for giving me my boat. I have had great fun with it. I love you very much”

TJB.