I bought it accidentally on ebay in 2005 as I put in a low bid going to bed. I woke to my horror to find that I had won the auction with a £2000 bid and was now the proud owner of a blue left hand drive Smart car – where was it ? Manchester. (Where was I Dedham Essex)

Joshua my 11 year old son (JJ) and I took a train to Manchester to collect it, as I handed £2k cash to ‘gentleman’ in the street outside Piccadilly station it occurred to me that this was not the smartest thing I had ever done. Then we drove home 4hrs and 198 miles.

JJ provided the tunes.

I used it for 7 years to commute to and from Philip Morant School where I was working..

This was all done to avoid driving my lovely old Mercedes SL320 to a school parking lot.

It was a great little car actually I remember that JJ ‘s first Xmas drum kit fitted in.

One set of departing Year 11s put it in the middle of the playground this was in 2007

Then JJ broke it. 

I took it to a garage called Mainly Mercs but they could not repair it. I put it up for sale in its broken condition this is 2008 time frame. It was not driveable and was parked on the lot outside the garage in Whitehall Industrial Estate, Colchester. See below without smart car.

This is where it sat until one Sunday Morning in summer 2008.

We drove to this desolate industrial estate on a mid-morning Sunday we in the family Mazda 5 to meet a Portuguese nationality geezer called “Pedro”. 

In my car is JJ (12) and Luke and Michael (15) – these are my nephews the twin sons of my sister Sheila over on holiday from Ireland. The agreed purchase price was £600 as the smart car was not in running condition and the repair shop “Mainly Mercs” outside which it was parked said it would cost more than that to repair it. 

 As we sat there it was striking just how quiet it was on the roads around the closed garage nothing was stirring but a few straw bales blowing in the chilly breeze. (not really but it was really quiet and deserted)

 A white transit van pulled up and stopped abruptly and Pedro jumped out of the drivers seat – he had driven from the Leeds area and he was clearly hyperactive full of energy and raring to go – he had a cursory inspection of the smart car and handed over a rolled wedge of cash. 

Then he said “Do you have tools?” I did not have any tools with me other than my son and nephews I said. “ha ha you are so funny Uncle Tim”

“Favourite Uncle Tim to you!”

At this point out of the van emerged two children a girl possible 9 or 10 years old and a boy of perhaps 3? 

His children, apparently, were along for the ride.  

OK he said “is there  place where I can buy Allen keys”  

“there is a B&Q half a mile or so away,” 

He jumped in the Mazda with me driving and decided to leave his two children in the less than capable hands of the three boys while we went to buy tools. 

Pedro and I drove to B&Q I sat in the car as he ran into B&Q and very few minutes later was running back to the Mazda (as if he had stolen the Allen key set) and I was driving back to the Whitehall industrial estate. 

On our return the 5 children were all still there, the little boy had thoroughly wet his trousers which did not seem to overly worry either him his sister or Pedro, it was a major source of consternation to the three boys however who were feeling awkward and sorry for the kid.

This was the first time I had had a chance to really think through what  was occurring here because the Smart car was not drivable and it was becoming clear that he was intending to put the car in the back of the white transit. 

He was a demon with the Allen keys because before you could complemplate the obsurdity of a car in the back of a transit van the wing mirrors were off the smart car and he was pushing it round to face the rear of the transit whose doors were now wide open. 

 He pulled two planks out of the transit, I think they were 2x4s (or as I understand in imperial 4x2s or in metric 900×450) whatever the nomenclature these planks were too skinny by far to provide a safe ramp from road to transit bed – in my opinion. 

 In Pedro’s opinion it was no problem. 

 So next thing to say is that inside the transit van on either side are two rather high wheel arch covers like you see in the picture above. The smart car would not only have to safely navigate the skinny ramps to land on the near end of the transit bed. But then the front wheels would also need to land beyond the wheel arch covers in order for the doors to shut. I asked Pedro what the plan with this was and he pulled out two sheets of plywood 12mm thick at the very most which he said would serve as inside ramps to get the front wheels over. 

At this point my nephew Luke (Lennie the lock we call him) had locked the wedge of cash in the Mazda glove compartment. The little boy Pedro junior still had steam rising from his soaked nether regions and we were feeling increasingly tense about this whole situation. 

My instinct was to leave with my money, his problem being to get the car into the van. But the civilized part of my brain just could not abandon Pedro. Plus you could not help but be seduced by his boundless energy and positivity.

Yes he explained we would push the car up the ramps (skinny ramps) into the Van then up the inner ramps (fragile) into the position so he could depart. 

Who would steer up the precarious ramps? His daughter ! 

Yes he put the girl behind the wheel with the window fully open so he could extract her once the smart car was snuggly inside the van. 

We all just went along with this such was Pedros positivity and energy. 

Low and behold we made it up the first ramp, and we were making headway with the brave and glorious miss Pedro at the wheel, and we started up the second ramps when inevitably they snapped. 

So picture  this, little girl at the wheel, little boy watching with steam rising from his shorts, Pedro, Me, JJ, Luke and Michael behind the Smart car shoulders to the vehicle which is now stuck, hanging precariously out of the back end of a transit van. At this point I felt like we were all in an elaborate pub game – where your thumbs are stuck under a full pint of beer and you are trapped and helpless.

If we stopped pushing it would fall out – Pedro said hold it and he let go – we could all feel the weight of the Smart car increase on our shoulders by the reduction in man power, Pedro ran around to the side door of the Van and was now reaching under the front bumper to lift the front wheels of the Smart car over the wheel arches. 

Pedro was not a large man and despite his energy positivity and enthusiasm was nowhere near getting the lift required, 

Imagine what is running through our heads now trapped as we were. Remember the desolation of our location, the cash stashed in the Mazda.  

What we needed BADLY was help – but …..

what happened then is that a 4 x 4 with an adonis at the wheel and his bronzed beauty powerlifter girlfriend beside him – really it could have been a young Arnold Schwarzenegger pulled up.

“Need a hand lads?”

He could see we were all in a tight position so he jumped out of the 4 x 4 into the van next to Pedro. He reached under the front of the smart car and did a one armed curl to place the smart car in its rightful place inside the Van. 

Then he left? Disappeared into the mists like a mirage in the desert, except that we knew he had been there – didn’t we???

We were standing rubbing bruised shoulders wondering if what we had just seen had been real or some sort of crazy Portuguese induced drug trip. 

Finally flight (as apposed to fight) kicked in and I just wanted to get away, we jumped in the Mazda, Pedro waved a cheery goodbye as if this was the norm for him and his children on a crisp Sunday morning, and we drove home.  

Luke checked quickly to see that the money was still in the glove compartment (it was) as we discussed whether it had been a candid camera stich up or a real robbery. But we had the cash and we drove home going back through the ridiculous series of events we had all just experienced so as to try to make sense of it. 

We found YouTube evidence of Pedro and his suped-up Smart cars fitted with motorbike engines doing wheelies at a rally of some sort – maybe it really had all just happened.